Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Straw man arguments! Git chore straw man arguments here!

This gives me hope that I may one day earn pant-wettingly large amounts of money in exchange for the appearance of my fevered ramblings in the pages of a high-circulation bastion of the print media.

Before today, had I been pressed to name the most breathtaking visual spectacle I have experienced in my short life, I might have chosen the cinematic masterpiece that is North By Northwest (none of that Bullet Time shit, prithee) or the experience of standing in awe before the Palace of Westminster, the cradle of modern democracy, for the first time (and every time since). These things pale into insignificance in the face of one man's ability to rubbish the criticisms of an increasingly bipartisan group of critics by spending two thirds of his thesis talking about the Crusader artillery system, about which most of the aforementioned recent critics have dwelt upon not at all, and the bravura literary coup of slagging off defence downsizing in the 1990s without once mentioning the fact that the man who started the whole sorry process off is currently Vice President of the United States of America.

I'll tell you something, if Mr Blankley is as accomplished a contortionist in the bedroom as he is at his writing desk, the oyster dinners are on me.

Give the kid a cigar

So inspired am I by this masterpiece of commentary that I hereby institute an entirely new order of merit that will stand aside the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the Academy Award and the Order of the British Empire in the annals of human achievement and creamy goodness. Tony Blankley, will you please step up to the podium to receive the very first Daniel Bedingfield Prize for Opinion Journalism*. You inspire me and give me hope, sir. God bless you, God save the Queen and God bless the United States of America. I'm here all week, try the veal, don't forget to tip the waitress.

*The Daniel Bedingfield Prize is new a multi-category (Physics, Chemistry, Literature, Peace, Helping Ugly People Get Laid) award that is distributed to notable achievers on an annual basis or whenever my blood pressure gets ratcheted up high enough, whichever comes first.


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